Things Nobody Tells You About Your Friends After They Have Kids

There are about 5 zillion posts titled 'Things Nobody Tells You Before Having A Baby'. Here is the first post I've ever read about what happens to your friends after they have kids.


Phone calls from friends with babies don't get answered. You have three options:

• Get over it 
• Get mad and never call again 
• Continue calling until they (hopefully) answer

When you do talk (and if you are single), one of the first three sentences will be ‘So what’s new on the guy front?’ as if you wouldn’t tell them if there was something on the guy front they needed to be aware of.

If you try make plans, your conversation typically ends like this:

• Can I bring little Johnny? 
• I will have to see if husband/parents/babysitter can watch little Johnny first. 

A majority of the time you are out with friend and adorable child, they will be expending most of their energy on getting a good picture of little Johnny to send to Daddy, as opposed to actually fully engaging in a conversation with you. If you are a good friend, you ask them to text it to you, too and post it on Facebook to let everyone know you aren’t childless AND heartless…..just childless. 


When they say that ‘I never knew what love was until I had a child’ it will take every ounce of restraint to not get offended. Thanks for letting us know that we are totally incapable of understanding love until having children.

Social media oversharing will reach territory you NEVER thought they would go. And you will like the damn pictures and statuses anyways. 

Your friends with babies will prefer to hang with other friends with babies. Don’t take this personally either.

If you plan on going shopping with a friend with a baby,  have a gameplan.

• It takes 10 minutes each upon arriving and departing in the mall parking lot to set up and disassemble all of the massive amounts of shit that is required just to take a small human shopping. You will wonder why all of this is necessary, they will mention they forgot at least two things they need. 
• Always go to the mall with the friend and the baby. ‘Mothers with Children’ spaces which are SO MUCH CLOSER than the child-less spaces. 
• You have a much better chance of getting the attention of a sales person when you ‘borrow’ said baby. No big deal you are armed and ready to drop a few Benjamins, they would rather ask 50 questions about the baby that isn’t yours…make sure you can at least fly by the seat of your pants and can answer them. 

It’s okay to roll your eyes at things they say when you are on the phone. If they are a really good friend, they will know when you are rolling your eyes at them, too.

You suddenly have different definitions of multitasking. 3 deliverables out the door to 2 different clients while managing 6 people working on them and 2 conference calls while your boss needs a super complicated Powerpoint ASAP? No biggie. Cooking dinner while holding a baby doesn't seem too challenging.

Your friends who stay home with their babies wonder what you do with ‘all of your free time’ after work. You wonder what on earth they do all day while you are at work.